Discussion in 'Off Topic Lounge' started by bulldogowner, Aug 4, 2010.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' jam in!
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'**
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' *! *
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
hahahaha nice ones
A few mates and i where returning from a party, a bit drunk and all sitting in the back of a taxi and we all had take away's with us too.You know the kind with silver trays and paper tops all in paper bags- steam heated curry's etc.
But one of us was a bit ill, so we had to destract the driver to stop him throwing us out inthe middle of now where, as we did this, he vomited in one of the paper bags with someones take away still in it- unknown to the owner whom was asleep at the time!
As we all left one at a time being dropped off- the owner of the bag woke up and was told by the taxi driver to take the last bag of rubbish with him.
So he picked it up and took it home, the next day we all met up again in the local pub to talk about last nights bits and pieces, and we got round to about take ways etc, and so the bloke who had the last take away with him committed that the seal on the tray must have burst- so he said that he scooped it all up and microwaved the lot- and said it was delicious! realising what our other mate had done with the bag earlier that night- we decided to stay quiet about the whole episode... yuck!
Did anyone hear about the narcaleptic tree surgeon? and yes that is true! i think there is a film on utube somewhere?
You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
“A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!” the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
Teacher asked how to sell a book student said a girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
ahahhaa. this is funny!
the last joke is funnier. hahahahha
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four year old.
We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for
anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it: see Wired on the subject.
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratliffe
A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their
sex organs. --Solomon Short
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. --IBM
maintenance manual, 1925
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk
to reach a high shelf. --Sam Ewing
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins. --Robert
Heinlein (in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff Pesis
It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that
can be mass produced with unskilled labor. --Wernher von Braun
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either. --Marvin Minsky
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. --Jack Handey
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. --J.H. Goldfuss
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --Robert Orben
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. --Gene Spafford
Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now! --Homer Simpson
How about some Chuck Norris Facts (Jokes)
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can run so fast, he can run around the world and punch
himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris awarded Harvard an honorary degree.
Chuck Norris puts the fun in funeral.
Windows 7 was Chuck Norris' Idea.
Okay, what do you get when you have a sister at fifty thousand feet?
A nun of the above.
Didn't we see this one before?
hahahaha some of those are pretty good OP, thanks for livening up my day a little
I'm sure I unfortunately know a few people that it could be a true story for.sign1
Great stuff. Hope to see more.
Those are really good!
LOL, the first one.
Separate names with a comma.