Discussion in 'Off Topic Lounge' started by bulldogowner, Aug 4, 2010.

  1. bulldogowner

    bulldogowner Destroyer of Spam Moderator

    There are a few of these jokes floating about, and in today's economy, I think we all need a smile now and then...ENJOY!!


    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....


    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
    And that's when the fight started....


    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
    And that's when the fight started...


    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    And that's when the fight started.....


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And that's when the fight started.....


    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
    200 in about 3 seconds..'
    I bought her a scale.
    And then the fight started..


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

    'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend....
    I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...


    I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
    And then the fight started.....




    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
    Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
  2. jnjoker100

    jnjoker100 New Member

    I heard some good news from the gulf spill the other day... local fisherman are reporting their tuna are getting 35mpg
  3. zerosum

    zerosum New Member

  4. RocketmanTan

    RocketmanTan Well-Known Member

    I went to a "Stand-Up for kids" session. I cracked a few jokes pointing fun at little children. Turns out "Stand Up for kids" is a charity, not a stand up comedy club...

    For the record, it's not a true story :p
  5. JEStudios

    JEStudios New Member

    lol... nice
  6. Leeadamaa

    Leeadamaa New Member

    You Guys wanna hear a dirty joke.......A White Horse that fell into the Mud
  7. Maddox

    Maddox Guest

    Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

    One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

    Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

    His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

    A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

    With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

    The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

    Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
  8. Pennywhistle

    Pennywhistle New Member

    ahahahahah those are pretty good
  9. JOJO

    JOJO New Member

  10. A man meets his his friend, who looks like coming directly from a bad fight.
    He asks: "What happened to You?"
    The friend sais: "My wife and I were at the church, and when the preacher
    read the Lord´s prayer I looked at my wife just when the preacher said "But deliver us from evil" and she must have gotten that wrong"....

    Kind regards
    Markus Schweizer
    P.S. I hope I translated it correct.
  11. Wojtee

    Wojtee Member

    This one got me:

    World War II, a German spy walks to a bar in London and says "Two Martinis".
    "Dry?" asks the bartender.
  12. Finesse5000

    Finesse5000 New Member

    I want to go down on you and make you happy...Then I want to come back up slowly and **** you Good and HARD. Yours Truly, Gas Prices
  13. Finesse5000

    Finesse5000 New Member

    An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
    The first one orders a beer.
    The second one orders half a beer.
    The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
    The bartender pulls out two beers and says, "**** you guys."
  14. Rapidtox

    Rapidtox Member

    LOL, i love the first one.
  15. jackjs

    jackjs New Member

    HAHAH! I can totally relate to the gas prices one ahh I'm so poor!
  16. atomgas

    atomgas New Member

  17. wulf

    wulf New Member

    A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Could I get a beer please" The bartender says "No, we don't serve food here" The mushroom replies "But I'm a Fun guy!"

    A blond walked into a bar

    Did you hear about the new French tank? It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
    (no French here right?. . . runs and hides)
  18. wulf

    wulf New Member

    A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

    Why don't aliens eat clowns.
    Because they taste funny.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh

    Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
  19. tumbucu

    tumbucu New Member

    lol nice
  20. chanotrd

    chanotrd New Member

    Lol hahah where you find these jokes

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