The 12 days of Christmas

Discussion in 'Getting Started' started by shamus, Dec 1, 2002.

  1. shamus

    shamus Registered Member

    I know it's not quite Christmas but,

    14th December 1st Day

    Dearest Darling John

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pair tree!
    What a wonderful delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.
    Your ever loving Agnes

    15th December 2nd Day

    My Dearest John

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Two turtle doves, I am delighted with them and they are adorable.
    All my love Agnes

    16th December 3rd Day

    Dearest John

    Oh! How extravagant you are, I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens, your too kind.
    Your ever loving Agnes

    17th December 4th Day

    Dear John
    What can I say, Four beautiful calling birds arrived today, you are most thoughtful.
    Love Agnes

    18th December 5th Day

    My Dearest John

    What a surprise, the postman delivered Five gold rings, one for each finger. You really are impossible boy but I love you. Frankly, all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
    Your Ever loving Agnes

    19th December 6th Day

    Dear John

    When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front doorstep. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I can’t sleep.
    Cordially yours Agnes

    20th December 7th Day

    What is it with you and these sodding birds ? Now I’ve got Seven Swans a swanning. Is this some sort of Joke. The house is full of bird crap, and the racket…………….. Stop sending me birds
    Yours Agnes

    21st December 8th Day

    OK Buster

    I think I prefer the birds, what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking. It’s not enough with all these birds now I’ve got cows crapping all over the house and mooing all night
    LAYOFF! Agnes

    22nd December 9th Day

    Look Craphead

    Are you some kind of nut????? Now I have nine pipers playing, and Christ do they play! When they aren’t playing their blasted pipes they keep chasing the maids through the cow Platt. The cows keep on mooing and treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

    23rd December 10th Day

    You rotten bastard.

    Now we have Ten ladies dancing How on earth can you call these whores “ladies” is beyond me. They’re pulling the pipers all night long, the cows can’t sleep and have now got diarrhoea, my living room is a sea of crap.
    SOD OFF Agnes

    24th December 11th Day

    Listen crap face

    What with ELEVEN lords a-leaping all over the maids, the pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet, and also committing sodomy with the cows. The birds are dead and rotting and stinking the place to hell having been trampled during the orgy. I hope your satisfied.
    SWINE Agnes

    25th December 12th Day

    You Stinking lousy PIG.

    Twelve drummers drumming have teamed up with the pipers in making one hell of a racket. Both lots have been at the lords, and who knows what’s happened to the milk maids - they’ve probably drowned in the cow dung by now. The only way I have saved myself from getting screwed to death was to hide in the pair tree which had been fertilised and has shot through the roof.
    I send you seasonal greetings………….


  2. interurban

    interurban Active Member


    Hi shamus you dog you,

    Ruddy wet me pants so i did.

    Hope you dont mind but this is going world wide on the web

    Merry Christmas.
  3. johan

    johan New Member

    Funnist thing I have read in years, couldn't stop laughing for ages.
  4. YakkoWarner

    YakkoWarner Member

    the 12 days AFTER

    On the first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight. So, I chopped the pear tree down and I burned it, just for spite. And with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge, my true love my true love my true love sent to me.

    On the second day after Christmas, I donned my old rubber gloves, and very gently wrung the necks of both the turtledoves.

    On the third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup; I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.

    The four calling birds were a big mistake. Their language was obscene. The five golden rings were fake! They turned my fingers green.

    On the sixth day after Christmas, my six laying geese wouldn’t lay; I sent the whole damn bunch to the ASPCA!

    On the seventh day after Christmas, what a mess I found… All my swimming swans had drowned.

    On the eighth day after Christmas before anyone could suspect, I bundled up the rest and sent them back.


    I wrote my true love: “We are through love.” And said in so many words…

    All your stupid gifts were for the four calling birds, three French hens two turtledoves and the partridge in the pear tree.
  5. 60103

    60103 Pooh Bah

    Movie version

    Years ago (in black and white days), every Christmas we used to see a movie/TV version of the 12 days.
    You watched as the fellow brought all the gifts and the poor girls house became more and more stuffed.
    Lovely scene at the end as he leads the 12 drummers and another 11 pipers down the street to a house crammed with cows and milkmaids and birds.
    Anyone else remember? Any idea where it came from?
  6. Matthyro

    Matthyro Will always be re-membered

    It's amazing the number of you creative writers there are.
    Lots of fun

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