"Once upon a Train"

[ezdays]

..."'cause, if he's out, he can't work, we don't get paid and we don't eat, that's why"

Martha was undisturbed by this, but because of her ankle bracelet, she could kinda relate to those robots and so she decided to concoct a plan for her and her robot friends to take over the train. She reached into the overhead rack and pulled down here supply of banana cream pies that she was taking to the Gold Medal baking cookoff in Tulsa. Moe saw what was going on and headed to the stash of chocolate cream pies that Emeril was bringing to the same bake-off while Larry could only find the pot of ravioli that the Chef had created. Suddenly, Emeril stood up and, BAM, BAM, echoed throughout the train, as....

 

[Papa Bear]

...he banged his spatula against the counter. "Put those pies down!" he exclaimed. "I will not have you throwing my prized chocolate cream pies. Use these special blueberry pies instead. They have a secret ingrdient that makes them extra sticky. And not even Martha can get the stain out!"

"That does it!" cried Martha, "I am sick and tired of you people trashing me! There has never been a stain I can't get out, and there never will be!"

"Oh, really?" said a voice from the back. Everybody turned just in time to see...

 

[ezdays]

...that obnoxious Oxy salesguy from those TV commercials. "Nothing gets the stain out like...", but he was cut off before he could finish. Seems like Martha aquired a bad habit while in the clink and cold-cocked the guy with a left hook then she continued to brag about here prowess with the stain cleaners. "Well, let's put your money where your mouth is dearie", said this little old lady in the front row holding a choice blueberry pie. One heave was all it took and...

 

[N Gauger]

Martha's "dress Oranges" were purple.. (She looked down at teh gooey mess and screamed!!

Why do they call them blue?!? they're PURPLE!!!

"I'll never get this mess out"!!!!

The stooges looked on in horror as the Oxy-Clean guy ........

 

[ezdays]

...began to wake up and mumble, "they don't pay me enough for this", and he stepped off the train. Unfortunately, the train was still moving and a gust of wind picked him up, blew him back into the car and he wound up right smack in the pile of Emeril's chocolate cream pies. "How am I gunna get this mess out of my clothes," said the Oxy-clean guy. A light bulb went on over Curly's head,...

 

[Papa Bear]

"Hey, wattabout club soda? That always gets the stains out." said Curly remembering the seltzer water spritzers that they picked up back in Toontown. He picked one up, aimed it at Martha, and...

 

[Pitchwife]

...let fly. After a minute or so he stopped. "You idiot!" screamed Martha. "The stain is on my clothes, not my face!" Her anger rattled Curly, so to escape her wrath he opened up with the spritser again. Meanwhile Moe grabbed another bottle and went after the Oyx-clean guy. Larry, not to be outdone grabbed his own bottle and went after.....

 

[Papa Bear]

...Walter Cronkite. A surprised Walt turned his head and got blasted right in the mustache. Walt stumbled about and ran face first into a banana cream pie. "And dat's da way it is! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck" said an onlooking Curly, who was busy washing down Martha with the spritzer and hitting everything except the stain! All that water, however, shorted out her ankle bracelet, resulting in...

 

[N Gauger]

her hopping on one foot.. screaming that it hurt!!! ... hopping heartily - she hopped right out of the car & into the second car, where she fell right into the waiting arms of......

 

[ezdays]

...Hoppy. Yep, Hopalong Cassidy came aboard when the train slowed down around Gulpin' Gulch. Hoppy took one look at Martha and said, "aren't you that saloon gal I met back in Pacos? Ya got a familiar smell to you."

Martha replied rather indignant, "what your smelling is that there fire back in the hay car." Hmm, nobody could find hay on the manafest, but it was now burning pretty good, and by golly, the three Stooges knew what to do...

 

[N Gauger]

SELTZER!!!!!! RUN!!!! they all grabbed The seltzer bottles & ran back to the fire.......

 

[ezdays]

...well, what they thought was the fire. Seems as if they saw the smoke coming out of the smokestack and headed in that direction. The jumped on the engine and were getting ready to spray the seltzer into it when they caught a glimps of one knock-out babe standing by the side of the tracks hitch-hiiking. "Hey," says Moe, " that gal's in trouble and were gunna help her."

"Hey" says Curly, "Doncha mean hay?" Ooops, someone forgot about the hay fire.

Torn between saving the hitch-hiking beauty queen and upholding their sworn duty to fight the fire, the boys made the only logical and morally fitting choice they could....

 

[Pitchwife]

They did neither. Instead they went into an extended version of their head bonkin', eye poking, face slapping routines. Meanwhile the beauty queen snagged a grab iron and lightly swung up on the train. Picking up one of the Stooge's overlooked selzer bottles and took care of the fire. As everyone stood there with their jaws dragging on the floor from her exhibition she turned to them and said "Hi everyone, I'm.....

 

[Papa Bear]

...Thelma. Let's get this train moving!" Thelma then picked up a shovel and started stoking the firebox. "Well, don't just stand there, boys, make yourselves useful." Moe was the first to come to his senses. "You heard the lady, let's get moving!" shouted Moe with a thump on Larry's and Curly's heads to drive home his point. "Yeah," Curly said, "Let's...

 

[Pitchwife]

...get this train moving." and in true Stooge fasion they did, they got out and pushed. Thelma gave a grunt of disgust that emphasized her feelings about the uselessness of men when a melodic voice from behind her said, "Howdy mam. Is there anything I can do to help?" She whirrled around, ready to launch into a tirade sure to wither even the most manly of men, but stopped cold when she found herself looking into the eyes of Hopalong Cassidy. Of the five or six men in the world that she considered to be worth the air that they breathed, he was immediatly added to the list. "I...er...I...uh...I have to...have to find Louise." She stammered. "She's.....

 

[N Gauger]

"......ahead somewhere - Up in the hills... We have to find her!! I'm so worried. Please Help me..."

Well, You know there are very few things a "cowboy Hero" can resist, A pleading Beauty Queen ain't one of them

He held her close, grabbed her shoulders & said: "Ma'am, We'll do Everything We Can"!!


He ran back & yelled at the stooges to start shoveling coal... and start stoking the fire.. and quit foolin around! There was a damsel in distress!!

The Stooges snapped to attention and started.......

 

[ezdays]

...once again to put out the hay fire, well they thought it was the hay fire, burning brightly behind that big cast-iron door. "Seltzer ain't gunna woik boys," says Moe.

"Hey," says Curly, "or is that hay? Nevermind, let's get our heads together and figure this out." So the boys got their heads together, KLUNNNNKKKK-K-K-K-K, followed by three big THUDD-D-S- S-S-S .

"Well, with those guys out of commission, I'd shovel coal, but I can't risk getting this outfit dirty," Said Hoppy. "do we have any vollunteers?"

"Out of the way, stumble bums," said Martha, as she ripped off her mask and cutsy dress to reveal that she was not Martha at all but was really DaDumm,(organ chord)....

 

[N Gauger]

............. Lamont Cranston... Yes, "He - Himself" was on board, Checking up on the railroad Barron that owned the railroad...

But first, he had (By his duty to Good battling Evil) to try to help get this show, err train on the road!!! And he started to shovel the coal... tossing shovel after shovel through the door......

 

[Papa Bear]

...Soon, the train was back up to speed. Meanwhile, Thelma and "Hoppy" headed back to the parlor car to talk things over.

"So tell me about Louise," Hoppy said.

"She's my twin sister," Thelma said. "We were visiting our cousins at Petticoat Junction when the notorious outlaw Nasty Canasta came into town. He robbed the General Store and kidnapped Louise, and now I simply must find her before it's too late!"

"Now don't you worry your pretty lil' head, Thelma. We'll find her."

"I sure hope so."

Right about then, a porter interrupted. "Excuse me, Mr Cassidy," he said, "we have a situation in the baggage car."

"The baggage car?" Hoppy replied, "What is it?"

"It's the car where we store people's luggage," the porter explained, "but that's not important right now. We need you right away."

"OK, I'm coming." Hoppy got up and headed for the baggage car. When he got there, sure enough...

 

[ezdays]

...it was the baggage car, full of baggage. Yeah, the porter was right for a change. Along with the luggage there was some of the usual stuff like a drum set, a few pairs of skis, one watermellon and Hoppy's horse. "I sure don't know what kind of problem this could be," said Hoppy. "I left plenty of hay for my horse and he should.... HAY!!!, oh no, please don't tell me all the hay burned in that hay fire."

The porter replied, "But sir, that was all the hay on the train."

"I told you not to tell me that." Hoppy said, "Now I'm Hopping mad, or as they say in Hollywood, I'm a Hopping Hoppy."

Well this faint voice came out from under the pile of luggage, then some motion and the skis began to fall and the drum set was rolling and the watermellon began to crack and the whole car shook like Jello as the voice grew louder. Bursting forth from under the pile was indeed what the porter was talking about all along....