Lighten up!

Discussion in 'Getting Started' started by philip, Jun 30, 2004.

  1. philip

    philip Guest

    Maybe this will relieve some of the tension around here. :D

    Their Stinky House

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
    room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

    Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...

    Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place

    The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

    She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

    ...including the curtain rods. :rolleyes:

  2. CN1

    CN1 Active Member

    OK, I got one too...

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
    I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
    and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
    studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
    these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
    cup of tea, and then....."

    he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box". :p
  3. CN1

    CN1 Active Member

    OK, OK I have another one ....

    a skeleton walks into a bar and tells the bartender:

    "Give me a beer - and a mop" :p :D

    A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.” :p :D :D

    A termite walks into the bar and says "Where's the bar tender?" :D :D

    A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

    The same horse walks into the same bar the next day with jumper cables hanging out of his mouth. The bar tender says, “Hey buddy, I don’t mind the long face, but don’t start anything.”

    A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

    "Anything but a Canadian Club" replies the seal.
  4. CN1

    CN1 Active Member

    Last one.........

    A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assh*les!"

    A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"

    The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

    The guy replies, "No, I'm an assh*le!"
  5. interurban

    interurban Active Member

    Great !! I like this.

    At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
    > >They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc.,
    > that
    > >each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so
    > >confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the
    > >University of Virginia and party with some friends. They had a great
    > time,
    > >but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't
    > >make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the
    > >final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and
    > >explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to
    > >UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but,
    > >unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a
    > spare,
    > >and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the
    > final.
    > >The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the
    > final
    > >the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that
    > >night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told
    > them. He
    > >placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet
    > and
    > >told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five
    > points.
    > >It was something fairly straight-forward about free radical formation.
    > >Cool, they each thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate
    > >room, thought, this is going to be easy! Each finished the free radical
    > >problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
    > >
    > >"For 95 points: Which tire
  6. CN1

    CN1 Active Member

    Ouch!! :eek: :D :D :D :D :D :D
  7. CN1

    CN1 Active Member

    How To Clean The Toilet...

    How to clean the toilet

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8
    cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you
    carry him towards the bathroom.

    3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the
    toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on
    the lid.

    4. The cat will self agitate and make ample
    suds. Never mind the noises that come from the
    toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This
    provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

    6. Have someone open the front door of your
    home. Be sure that there are no people between the
    bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,
    and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,
    streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he
    will dry himself off.

    9. Both the commode and the cat will be
    sparkling clean.
  8. Pitchwife

    Pitchwife Dreamer

    Hi ah,.... :confused:

    Hummm let me think ,...why did I send you this......don't tell me it's coming to me.....Oh ya..... :eek:

    Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

    HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

    The melody out of music,
    The pride out of appearance,
    The courtesy out of driving,
    The romance out of love,
    The commitment out of marriage,
    The responsibility out of parenthood,
    The togetherness out of the family,
    The learning out of education,
    The service out of patriotism,
    The Golden Rule from rulers,
    The nativity scene out of cities,
    The civility out of behavior,
    The refinement out of language,
    The dedication out of employment,
    The prudence out of spending,
    The ambition out of achievement, or,
    God out of government and school.

    And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!! :wave:

    And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. :(

    Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? or O Canada :confused:

    Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention, on veterans day and our great country's birthday . :)

    YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN! :thumb:

    I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m. :sleeping:
    I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer. :mad:
    I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. :p
    I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. :rolleyes:
    I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying. :confused:
    I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over... :oops:
    I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. :)
    I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care. :eek:

    I'm not really grouchy, :curse:

    I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now. :mad:

    I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
    I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
    I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
    I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
    I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
    I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? :eek:
    And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes? :)

    I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. :confused:

    Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life! :D :D
  9. ezdays

    ezdays Out AZ way

    The Men's List:

    Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

    *Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is act of terrorism and we do not negotiate with terrorists.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answerer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or trains.

    1. You have enough clothes

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Yes, I know, after this, I'll have to sleep on the couch tonight, but you should know that men really don't mind, it's like camping.
  10. shaygetz

    shaygetz Active Member

    Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
    The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
    Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
    Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
    Coca-Cola was originally green.
    It is impossible to lick your elbow.
    The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
    The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
    The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
    Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
    Spades - King David
    Hearts - Charlemagne
    Clubs -Alexander, the Great
    Diamonds - Julius Caesar
    111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
    Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
    Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace
    Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession
    Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
    A. One thousand
    Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
    A. All invented by women.
    Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
    A. Honey
    Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
    A. Father's Day
    It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ...
    which we know today as the honeymoon.
    Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
  11. Pitchwife

    Pitchwife Dreamer

    Not trains, but....

    Below is an article written by Rick Reilly for Sports Illustrated. He
    details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat
    ... very amusing.

    Now this message for America's most famous athletes:
    Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's
    most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John
    Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me
    urge you, with the greatest sincerity .....

    Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death.
    Whatever you do, do not go. I know.

    The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped.
    I was toast!

    I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of
    Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
    Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like,
    triple it.

    He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling
    handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his
    leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
    Biff King was born to fly.

    His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus

    15 seconds and counting...." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids
    a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by
    nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

    Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million
    weapon with as much thrust as weight. I was worried about getting airsick,
    so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should
    eat the next morning.

    "Bananas," he said.
    "For the potassium?" I asked.
    "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do
    going down."
    The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name
    sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or
    Leadfoot -- but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my
    arm, as Biff had instructed. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety
    briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed,
    would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be
    immediately knocked unconscious.

    Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over
    me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing
    nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another
    F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.

    Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
    It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only
    without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We
    dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000
    feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the
    speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did
    90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I
    felt as if
    6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.

    And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.
    And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth
    grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was
    egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed.

    I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out.
    I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a
    banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a
    tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first
    person in history to throw down.

    I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman
    making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like
    Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there
    again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and
    for less money per year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

    A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called.
    He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd
    send it on a patch for my flight suit.

    What is it? I asked.
    Two Bags!
    :thumb: :thumb:
  12. CN1

    CN1 Active Member

    What happen to the 25% ?
  13. A Rabbi, a Congressman, and a Basketball player walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
  14. shaygetz

    shaygetz Active Member

  15. rcwatkins

    rcwatkins Member

    I guess they believe it. I didn't lick my elbow. I tried it from somewhere before and couldn't do it so therefore I didn't try it.
  16. Belmarvalley

    Belmarvalley New Member

    Here's a good lawyer joke:

    An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
    One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

    Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

    "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

    God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

    Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
  17. shaygetz

    shaygetz Active Member

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  18. Fred_M

    Fred_M Guest

    Want to see something really funny? Just got this in my inbox as if! Fred

  19. RioGrande

    RioGrande Member

    Er, how does model RRing fit into this equation? Heh heh!

    THose two items are sooooooooooo true! I have been separated for 4 years, so I speak from experience!
  20. Sir_Prize

    Sir_Prize Member

    Dash10- You bet you'd be Cuckoo to respond to Kuku. :rolleyes: :D

    Everybody-Got the people rolling in the Office here with these jokes.
    ...And a few with kinks in their necks and real wet forearms... Wonder what they were doing? ;) :D

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