I won't be booking with them.....

Discussion in 'Zealot Archives' started by TheWebdude, Jan 25, 2007.

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  1. TheWebdude

    TheWebdude Just a Member

    I always love airline lore.
    After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
    sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
    mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
    then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next
    flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
    Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
    Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as
    marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
    By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
    airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in the cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: The number 3 engine is missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one saved for last......
    P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a
    midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget.
  2. Amazyah

    Amazyah Senior Member

    :rofl: ROFLMFHO!!!:rofl:

  3. 46rob

    46rob Member

    This list has been circulating for many years, attributed to various organizations. First time I saw it, it was published in one of the Navy's aviation magazines, Approach, or Naval Aviation News, as part of an article on teaching pilots how NOT to write up discrepancies in the '60's. I'm sure they lifted it from another source. The original set, with adjustments for technology, probably originated with the Montgolfier Bros' first manned flight, and have slowly worked their way through time as classics.
  4. TheWebdude

    TheWebdude Just a Member

    P: Balloon performs improperly when overfilled.
    S: Do Not Overfill.
  5. -Jim G

    -Jim G Member

    LOL! I have seen most of these before attributed to other flying organizations. Somehow I don't believe that it is really Qantas (or any other airlines) because of the references to weapons systems i.e. 'targeting radar' and 'IFF' (Identify Friend or Foe).

    I personally saw this write-up in the aircraft log book on an F-4E Phantom at Bitburg AB West Germany in 1976:

    P: Radar looks like rabbits jumping over fence
    S: Shot rabbits, chopped down fence
  6. Clashster

    Clashster Member

    Great way to start the morning - old or new, made me laugh out loud! :rofl:

  7. Ashrunner

    Ashrunner Member

    First a bit of background info. On Sept. 1, 1972, a bomb went off under the propane storage tanks at Kincheloe AFB, MI. Though the bomb didn't do any damage (had it been placed above the tanks it would be a different story), it shook up base officials. Then more bombs were located in the fuel storage tanks at K.I. Sawyer AFB and Kincheloe. I worked in fuels at that time and my area of responsibility was one of the areas a bomb was found. These unexploded bombs really shook up the SAC colonels on base. From that point on (until the case was solved 10 days later) we fuels troops had to make hourly inspection rounds and record the results on a special form which was replaced every morning and sent to the wing commander for review.

    On the first swing-shift of inspection, I was briefed to go to the bulk storage area and do an inspection of the area. I read the checklist of places to look and what to look for on the back of the form. The last line stated, "Report any suspicious looking characters lurking about." After reviewing the checklist, I took off to do my rounds. When finished, I went back to the dispatch office and filled out my portion of the form. In the Remarks section I wrote, "No suspicious looking characters seen lurking about."

    The next morning, I was awaken by a pounding on my barracks door. It was the First Sergeant. He told me to get in uniform and report immediately to the wing commander's office. Puzzled and a bit nervous, I might add, I quickly showered, shaved, got in uniform and took off for the wing CO's office. When I arrived there, my shift supervisor was waiting. He saw me and said something to the secretary who said something to him and when I walked up to the desk, his only comment to me was, "What did you do?"

    Once in the commander's office, I saw he had the form we were filling out after our inspections in his hand. He put the form on his desk, folded his hands and said, "So, Sergeant, you're a comedian?" I said, "Sir?" He pointed to a line on the form and read aloud, "No suspicious looking characters seen lurking about." He paused, looked at me and continued, "Does that sound like proper military procedure to you?"

    I nervously replied, "Sir, turn the form over and read the bottom line." He did, looked at me and my supervisor, said, "Dismissed." We saluted, about-faced and got out of there as quickly as possible.

    That evening, the form was replaced with a new version. The bottom line of the checklist said, "Describe in appropriate section of front side unauthorized personnel observed."
  8. TheWebdude

    TheWebdude Just a Member

    Now THAT is truly funny!:rofl:
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